December First Visit With Margaux Violet!!!

(above: my sister brook with my baby girl Margaux Violet)

(above:my older sister cassy and me with Margaux Violet)

(above: my wonderful mother patty me my sisters cassy and brook with Margaux Violet)

(above: cassy me and brook all smiling at Margaux Violet)

(above: me feeding Margaux Violet)

(above: me kissing my little baby girl Margaux Violet)

Margaux i love you and miss you very much btw these pics are from my first visit with her back in December. anyway God bless to all and i hope you enjoy <3  

DEAR MARGAUX, 7

it has been so long since i have written a blog entry but baby girl it just means i have been busy. i miss you and everyday my thoughts are consumed with you your laugh your smile your face. its getting better the pain but sometimes it hits me hard like the other day i was in a store and happened to wander into the baby section and at that moments i wanted you there so bad that if i closed my eyes i could almost feel your baby soft skin against my fingertips it was weird margaux i wanna hold you in my arms i wanna be the one to wake up every few hours to feed you and take care of you i wanna be the one to who is exhausted everyday from lack of sleep even though it would be perfectly fine because i would have you smiling in my arms. i wish i could have been everything you needed me to be but i guess in the end i am i gave you life i gave you a family that will care for you always and are not struggling. they can give you anything you need or want while i could not but i gave you what i could....a better life so we can both be better stronger people and exceed life's expectations. i will always love you and miss you my little angel my saving grace i hope you will let me be there for you when your old enough to understand i always want to be in your life i never wanted to leave you but i had to do what was best for you and your life you are more important to me than my own self. did you know that while i was pregnant with you i tried to protect you at every turn i was scared to step into a street cause if a car hit me i was scared for you i mean i did care if i died i want to see you grow up but you mattered more than my self. i also fell once while i was pregnant i was walking down a huge hill at this hospital going to go visit my uncle Stephen and it was raining and i had slipped and was falling forward almost on you but i spun my self around so i would hurt myself not you even with a huge man and my mother helping me up it took me like 5 mins to try and get up i was scared but you were just fine obviously and absolutely beautiful. i know these long boring stories i just want you to know and understand why i did this that it is because i love you so much and i never want you to suffer EVER. you are my light and i hope to be yours to baby i love you with all my heart and missing you more than i could ever say and i will see you in may OMG its so far it makes me wanna cry i love you margaux violet with all my heart mind and soul 

MUCH LOVE

BIOLOGICAL MOMMY

RACHEL

MY BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL BY: RACHEL ( biological mommy)

a beautiful baby girl
given to new parents
have a new home
with the warmth of a mothers hug
and her father smiling down
at a beautiful baby girl
who shines so bright
it would rivil the sun
the longing i feel
to have and hold
my beautiful baby girl
it pains me everyday
but i know she is safe
i know deep down
that she is secure
this beautiful baby girl
loved by all
she stole all our hearts
mine never to be found again
i can only hope
she holds my heart
very close to hers inside
my beautiful baby girl

Dear Margaux, 5

my days are a little easier to deal with, the sadness i feel during them i mean. but nights are a hell of a lot harder to deal with its when im alone it gets difficult, i cant sleep the pain over whelms me. but the other day as i stayed up and had another sleepless night i stayed up thinking, a few hours earlier i had just heard that someone i knew from junior high just died of an overdose at the age of 17. and the first thing i thought is how his parents must be feeling and i realized the only reason i thought about the parents first is because of you be cause i couldnt imagine how i would be if anything ever happened to you. but i love you so much margaux your a blessing to us all. I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS.

MUCH LOVE,
BIOLOGICAL MOMMY
RACHEL

P.S. this was supposed to be posted like a week ago i just never finished writhing the post sorry

DEAR MARGAUX, 6

I can not wait i get to see you in 6 days time =D i feel like its been so long but thats probaly because from what i have seen in your pictures you have grown so much. i miss you so much and ya see i dont always feel the pain of not having you here it comes and goes but when it hits it hits hard its like overwhelming sadness clouds my day and everyone around me knows that im hurting. they know this because i am tired of putting a smileon my face and acting as though everything is okay when it isnt.im trying to do the best for me at work and things like that but its hard when im bringing my pain and suffering to work with me, there is already enouoph pain and suffering emotionally at my job. i just wish it was easier to let go because even though your with rob and kate i still have a problem getting you out of my head its like im afraid im going to forget what you look like and the few but wonderful moment i had with you. i dont want to for get ever those were the best moments of my life and will always be. so now i must at least find a better way to deal with the pain. I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU MARGAUX WITH ALL MY HEART ALWAYS AND FOR EVER!

MUCH LOVE,
BIOLOGICAL MOMMY
RACHEL

Dear Margaux, 4

My little baby girl is getting so big i almost didnt recognize you :) jk how could you not recognize your own baby lol i love you my little munchie and i miss you more and more everyday and i cannot wait to see you im kinda scared you wont fit in any of the gifts i bought you your getting so big well this post is going to be short cause i am at work but i really felt like i needed to write. but i love you and miss you my little munchie and i cant wait till i see you again.

much love
biological mommy
Rachel

Dear Margaux, 3

blank that's what my mind is right now i don't know why but every time i think of you today my mind just goes blank like its shutting down like it doesn't wanna hurt anymore. why, is the only question i can ask, why does the pain that was so overwhelming now feel like a numb sensation like nothing is real. i can not understand i wanna feel cause i would rather feel the pain of the whole in my heart left in your absence than nothing at all i just cant grasp the idea cant wrap it around my head............................................wow just right now my first time alone all day i finally felt it all at once. all the pain that should have been felt throughout the day hit me with one big boom of force. i love you Margaux more than anyone or anything in this world well about as much as i love the women who gave me life my mother cause without her i would not be here and who i am today and neither would you. my mother, your grandma is the most amazing women i have ever met. she is strong and hardworking, she has taught me so much. if it wasn't for her i don't think i could have been as strong as i was and i guess still am to make the decision i did for you she makes me want to do better in life just as much as you do.i hope to be that person for you in some way some day of course  that is Rob & Kate's job your mom and dad but i hope to be someone you can look up to and respect just as much as love and respect my mother. so ill try to keep going and do the best i can. but i love you and miss you Margaux.

MUCH LOVE
BIOLOGICAL MOMMY
RACHEL

See you when i see you BY: Jason Aldean

Let's don't say goodbye
I hate the way it sounds
So, if you don't mind
Let's just say for now

See you when I see you
Another place, some other time
If I ever get down your way
Or you're ever up around mine
We'll laugh about the old days
And catch up on the new
Yeah, I'll see you when I see you
And I hope its some day soon

God made this ol' world round
And maybe its that way so the paths we go down
Yeah, I will cross again some day
Some day I'll

See you when I see you
Another place, some other time
If I ever get down your way
[. From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/j/jason-aldean-lyrics/see-you-when-i-see-you-lyrics.html .]
Or you're ever up around mine
We'll laugh about the old days
And catch up on the new
Yeah, I'll see you when I see you
And I hope its some day real soon

I hope its some day soon

I'll see you when I see you
Another place, some other time
If I ever get down your way
Or you're ever up around mine, just stop by
We'll laugh about the old days
And catch up on the new
Yeah, I'll see you when I see you, 
'til then my prayers are with you
And I hope its some day soon

I'll see you when I see you

Dear Margaux, 2

when pain is felt from a loss, people say it will fade and you will think about that person less and less, but it has not, because everyday i think more and more about you. the pain is sometimes overwhelming. saturday someone asked your name so i told them that when i named you it was Viridiana Marie but now your name is Margaux Violet. they asked me why i changed it and so i told them that i didnt the adpotive family did and they called me a horrible mother that i should never give up my child and that was the hardest thing to take because i love you more than you will ever know or begin to understand and that is why i did what i did but after he said that i couldnt hold my tears in any longer i couldnt put a smile on my face and pretend i was happy anymore i bursted into tears the worst of it was is that i couldnt control it no matter how hard i try to be strong and hold my head up high i will always crash as a wave does after it hits its highest point it falls, crashes to the shore to go back and repeat the cycle. in life there are choices to make and i will always know in my heart i made the right one but i will always feel the bittersweet feeling behind the choice and i will always remember your beautiful face from the moment you picked your head opened your eyes and looked at me from across the room you gave me hope something and someone to believe in no one has ever sturred something like that in me ever. so you were my savior my angel sent from God in all his grace you were my mirical and rob and kates too also there beautiful family that you are now apart of. you are always in my heart and mind and my familys too....i shouldnt say just my family they are yours to forever and always my little baby girl i love you with all my heart i hope you always know and are able to one day understand that this is why i did this why you have others who love you just as much as i do taking care of you it was because i wanted us to both be able to grow and thrive in spite of what life has handed us and to live eachday to the fullest and never give up because life is so precious and you taught me that with out speaking or being able to communicate much you taught me what i have been trying to learn for 5 years you are the greatest gift to me and it means so much that i will be able to be around and watch you grow over time and im hoping to see you soon i love you my little angel and miss you every moment of everyday for the rest of my life 

MUCH LOVE

BIOLOGICAL MOMMY

RACHEL

Dear Margaux

You are the light leading my life even in my darkest hours you shine a light so bright it would rival the sun. to see you smile to see you thrive makes everyday that I'm pushing and working my hardest worth it cause without you i would be no one, nothing to look up to you will always be my motivation to strive for the best. From the moment i knew you were inside me, march 1st 2011 i will never forget. Everyday i wake up and smile knowing your safe and loved. Even though i wish and long to hold you and stare into your beautiful face, i know this was a for the best. We both can live and thrive, no one will be struggling...well not to say i don't struggle everyday of my life with the pain of not having you here but i will live on and i will thrive because that is what i was meant to do, so Margaux my little baby girl i love you and miss you with all my heart. 

Biological Mommy

Rachel 

i love you and am missing you with all my heart