Tuesday, May 15, 2012


I don't know if i feel like making this into a official letter to margaux but any way so lately its been kinda hard for me i saw margaux on birth mothers day but before that i had not seen her since December it was a long time and she had gotten so big shes eating bread shes been sitting up on her own its crazy how time flies but honestly i feel like i had given birth to her yesterday not 29 weeks ago. it literally kills me inside to see how much i have missed like everyday i just wish i could be the one caring for her i just don't know if i'm strong enough to get through all this i feel like everyone's telling me suck it up get over it already be happy you get to see her live and thrive well i cant just suck it up i'm hurting everyday this little being that i was literally attached to for for almost ten months i cant just get over it shes my baby and now where she used to be it feels absent and void like something should be there or in my arms but there isn't there's no little cranky chubby munchie. i just really miss her. 

Monday, February 20, 2012

December First Visit With Margaux Violet!!!

(above: my sister brook with my baby girl Margaux Violet)

(above:my older sister cassy and me with Margaux Violet)

(above: my wonderful mother patty me my sisters cassy and brook with Margaux Violet)

(above: cassy me and brook all smiling at Margaux Violet)

(above: me feeding Margaux Violet)

(above: me kissing my little baby girl Margaux Violet)

Margaux i love you and miss you very much btw these pics are from my first visit with her back in December. anyway God bless to all and i hope you enjoy <3  

Thursday, February 2, 2012


it has been so long since i have written a blog entry but baby girl it just means i have been busy. i miss you and everyday my thoughts are consumed with you your laugh your smile your face. its getting better the pain but sometimes it hits me hard like the other day i was in a store and happened to wander into the baby section and at that moments i wanted you there so bad that if i closed my eyes i could almost feel your baby soft skin against my fingertips it was weird margaux i wanna hold you in my arms i wanna be the one to wake up every few hours to feed you and take care of you i wanna be the one to who is exhausted everyday from lack of sleep even though it would be perfectly fine because i would have you smiling in my arms. i wish i could have been everything you needed me to be but i guess in the end i am i gave you life i gave you a family that will care for you always and are not struggling. they can give you anything you need or want while i could not but i gave you what i could....a better life so we can both be better stronger people and exceed life's expectations. i will always love you and miss you my little angel my saving grace i hope you will let me be there for you when your old enough to understand i always want to be in your life i never wanted to leave you but i had to do what was best for you and your life you are more important to me than my own self. did you know that while i was pregnant with you i tried to protect you at every turn i was scared to step into a street cause if a car hit me i was scared for you i mean i did care if i died i want to see you grow up but you mattered more than my self. i also fell once while i was pregnant i was walking down a huge hill at this hospital going to go visit my uncle Stephen and it was raining and i had slipped and was falling forward almost on you but i spun my self around so i would hurt myself not you even with a huge man and my mother helping me up it took me like 5 mins to try and get up i was scared but you were just fine obviously and absolutely beautiful. i know these long boring stories i just want you to know and understand why i did this that it is because i love you so much and i never want you to suffer EVER. you are my light and i hope to be yours to baby i love you with all my heart and missing you more than i could ever say and i will see you in may OMG its so far it makes me wanna cry i love you margaux violet with all my heart mind and soul 


Wednesday, December 21, 2011


a beautiful baby girl
given to new parents
have a new home
with the warmth of a mothers hug
and her father smiling down
at a beautiful baby girl
who shines so bright
it would rivil the sun
the longing i feel
to have and hold
my beautiful baby girl
it pains me everyday
but i know she is safe
i know deep down
that she is secure
this beautiful baby girl
loved by all
she stole all our hearts
mine never to be found again
i can only hope
she holds my heart
very close to hers inside
my beautiful baby girl

Dear Margaux, 5

my days are a little easier to deal with, the sadness i feel during them i mean. but nights are a hell of a lot harder to deal with its when im alone it gets difficult, i cant sleep the pain over whelms me. but the other day as i stayed up and had another sleepless night i stayed up thinking, a few hours earlier i had just heard that someone i knew from junior high just died of an overdose at the age of 17. and the first thing i thought is how his parents must be feeling and i realized the only reason i thought about the parents first is because of you be cause i couldnt imagine how i would be if anything ever happened to you. but i love you so much margaux your a blessing to us all. I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS.


P.S. this was supposed to be posted like a week ago i just never finished writhing the post sorry


I can not wait i get to see you in 6 days time =D i feel like its been so long but thats probaly because from what i have seen in your pictures you have grown so much. i miss you so much and ya see i dont always feel the pain of not having you here it comes and goes but when it hits it hits hard its like overwhelming sadness clouds my day and everyone around me knows that im hurting. they know this because i am tired of putting a smileon my face and acting as though everything is okay when it isnt.im trying to do the best for me at work and things like that but its hard when im bringing my pain and suffering to work with me, there is already enouoph pain and suffering emotionally at my job. i just wish it was easier to let go because even though your with rob and kate i still have a problem getting you out of my head its like im afraid im going to forget what you look like and the few but wonderful moment i had with you. i dont want to for get ever those were the best moments of my life and will always be. so now i must at least find a better way to deal with the pain. I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU MARGAUX WITH ALL MY HEART ALWAYS AND FOR EVER!


Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Dear Margaux, 4

My little baby girl is getting so big i almost didnt recognize you :) jk how could you not recognize your own baby lol i love you my little munchie and i miss you more and more everyday and i cannot wait to see you im kinda scared you wont fit in any of the gifts i bought you your getting so big well this post is going to be short cause i am at work but i really felt like i needed to write. but i love you and miss you my little munchie and i cant wait till i see you again.

much love
biological mommy